Job posting

Job offer for junior office scapegoat

job description

Our archaic, perpetually mismanaged company is looking to hire a junior office scapegoat immediately.

Constantly operating with innate flaws and a toxic culture, our company has managed to set itself apart as the weak presence in the industry through routines that can only be described as Machiavellian. Our lack of funding and resources ensures that our office dumpster fire burns as fiercely as the Great Chicago Fire – are you our cow O’Leary?

As the scapegoat of the junior office, you will work alongside all departments on all projects, all of which were absolutely doomed from inception due to poor leadership, blatant nepotism and, inexplicably, something what you did. If you are a fresh graduate with no hope for the future or just a deeply broken human being, we want you! Learn more about the role and what it entails below.

Professional responsibilities

  • All
  • Event planning
  • And more

Qualifications

  • Bachelor’s degree from a top institution that puts you in a lot of debt
  • Experience with authoritarian parents who are continually disappointed
  • Proven experience of more than three years of being elsewhere than here
  • Able to work independently on projects originally designed for four or five people
  • Demonstrated history of taking blame for things that are definitely not your fault
  • Ability to ingest and absorb passive-aggressive (and aggressive-aggressive) emails
  • Familiarity with a feeling of total and utter despair
  • Must have semi-reliable transportation so we can say the only reason we didn’t hit our quarterly numbers is because you were late that time

Our corporate culture

Is not good!

Advantages

  • Salary according to experience, but… it will be low
  • Company 401K match after a year, because we know you won’t be around by then
  • The legal minimum number of PTO days will be given, and maybe some holidays, but certainly not the progressives
  • Occasional telework allowances. It’s not a benefit, but we’ll treat it as such

To apply

Scream into the void. If nothing and no one answers, send us your CV and a well-written cover letter that we will never read. If we think you might be a good candidate, we will respond with an incredibly limited number of interview slots for some time over the next twenty-four hours, giving you time to prepare or consider whether you want actually the role.

Apply today to be our junior office scapegoat. We look forward to blaming you for our mistakes.